HALPI dot com

To most people ’stress’ brings to mind something unpleasant. But many psychologists write about stress as something that can have positive effects. Why the confusion? The reasons lie in how an individual evaluates his or her own mental and physical state.

Some examples may help to make the point clear. Imagine two people, one a champion skier in the Olympics, the other a college senior about to take a final math test. The skier has been training most of his life for the contest, the senior has hardly studied at all.

From a purely physiological perspective both are going to be experiencing similar effects – rapid heartbeat and breathing, higher metabolism, active sweat glands and so forth.

Psychologically, there are also similarities – higher concentration on the present and thoughts about the next few minutes, vivid images and heightened sensitivity to feelings. But there are key differences, at least psychologically. The skier is exhilarated, ready for the challenge, and eager to show his prowess and win the contest. The senior feels doubt and fear.

In both cases it’s reasonable to say that the two young men are under stress. You could also say they are feeling stressful. But the differences are important. The skier evaluates his situation as presenting a challenge he wants to take on and believes himself ready to tackle. The senior knows he is inadequately prepared and projects the consequences of his likely failure, a lowered grade and maybe the need to retake the class.

In both cases the young men are uncertain about the outcome, but each evaluates the odds of success differently. Each might also judge the outcome of failure differently. The skier may wind up with only a Silver medal. That might be disappointing but in the Olympics, the number two spot can still lead to lucrative endorsements and a good future. The senior may see his chances for getting into a good graduate school diminishing. He may have to retake the class before he can even graduate.

Of course, the examples are very oversimplified. But the pattern is roughly right. Whether you feel stress or elation can often turn on how you evaluate external circumstances and your own inner state. So there are actually two meanings of the word ’stress’ that sometimes get mixed together. One refers simply to the heightened awareness and the physiological symptoms described above.

The other is essentially equivalent to the combination of worry and those symptoms. The latter can have negative health consequences, since those symptoms can be physically harmful. But since humans are both mind and body and the two aspects affect one another, the psychological part is just as important.

What Causes Stress?

One of the facts that makes identifying the causes of stress difficult is that they can be nearly anything and can differ from person to person.

Losing a job, ending a close relationship, discovering a health problem… in the modern world there is no shortage of possible initiators. Also, some people react to these facts very differently than others. While some will be anxious, others will be stoic. Some people may thrive on the challenge of finding a new love, others may feel lonely and despair at the odds of fulfilling their dream.

The causes are neither entirely external nor internal, but generally involve both. Losing a job can be an occasion for stress. A person may see his or her income plummet and wonder where the next paycheck is going to come from. Another, even in the same job market, may see the change as an opportunity to move away from a less than ideal situation to one that will be better in the future.

Similarly, ending a close relationship – whether with a friend, a romantic partner, a valued family member – can be stressful. But very quickly, at least in some cases, a person can come to view the situation as involving less of a loss or more of a chance to find a new love.

Reactions vary because individuals are unique. They interpret their experiences differently. But, though different, individuals within a culture often share many similar views and a common outlook. Because individuals are individual humans, they also share common physical risks.

Nearly everyone will be stressed if they are confronted by a dangerous criminal. Severe health problems – radical cancer, debilitating arthritis or even ‘just’ a major operation – will rarely be met with calm acceptance, at least initially. Many non-threatening circumstances will be met with similar feelings as well. Unjust treatment at work by an unreasonable supervisor, disrespect by neighbors or just simple indifference to justice will cause stress for nearly anyone.

The underlying causes of stress often have less to do with the external circumstances than an individual’s expectations for the future and their evaluation of their own capacity to meet them. If someone discovers the need to have a tumor removed, they may feel some stress. But, it can be less than another would feel if they believe their general health is good and they’ll come through well. Someone who loses a job may be concerned, but their confidence in their ability to obtain another quickly and easily can result in only minor stress.

These examples show that both the causes of stress and the degree and length of time it’s felt are a function of several factors. One of the major factors is the attitude of the person in the given situation. If you feel you can overcome serious hurdles quickly or without major loss, you will evaluate fewer external events as a cause for stress. When you do experience it, the degree of stress will be less.

The Effects of Stress

Though some of the effects of stress are still hotly debated within the medical and psychological communities, there are some that are broadly agreed on. Rapid heartbeat, raised blood pressure, a rise in blood sugar level and a lower digestive rate are just a few of the physiological effects of stress.

The psychological effects, though sometimes more subtle, are important too. Increased stress, especially when it lasts over time, often leads to irritability. A person will be more quick-tempered and easy to anger. He or she will be more impatient, and more inclined to fear the future while feeling less able to cope with the present. People who are stressed tend to find it harder to concentrate and have greater difficulty making decisions.

These two realms are not unrelated. The hypothalamus and the pituitary gland are two brain components that lead the charge during stressful events. They release a substance called ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone) that stimulates the adrenal gland, near the kidney, to release cortisol.

Natural levels of cortisol rise and fall during the day, but an excess can contribute to the “flight or fight” response that we experience during stress. That can lead to neck muscle tension, stomach and bowel upset and a host of other effects. There are studies that suggest that if the stressful state persists it can lead to weakening of the immune system. That contributes to more frequent colds and other bad health effects.

High stress can cause a shortened attention span, less efficient memory recall, lowered objectivity and other cognitive problems. As dire thoughts race around the mind, there is less focus on solving life’s daily challenges in rational way. Moodiness, unreasonable anger, unwarranted feelings of injustice and other emotional consequences often follow.

The results of this are too often depression, apathy, crying in the absence of a specific cause, increased fear of failure and an overall sense of doom. But those are extremes and they are by no means inevitable.

There is sometimes a vicious cycle set up. The conflict between “I must” and “I can’t,” which is an essential element in stress, can lead to greater likelihood that, indeed, one can’t. That loss of confidence in one’s efficacy in dealing with life’s challenges can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But that too is not inevitable.

By focusing on the factors that led to stress, evaluating them realistically and keeping a sense of perspective about their consequences, stress can be reduced and even eliminated before it becomes a chronic problem. That, in turn, helps reduce the occasions when a minor problem leads to major stress, even in the short term.

Conquering Stress

Many writers will offer suggestions about how to manage stress. But wouldn’t it be preferable to conquer it altogether? Here are a dozen things to try to do just that.

Yoga, Tai-Chi and similar disciplines from Asia have been effective for centuries in helping to relieve stress. The physical techniques limber up the muscles and help focus the mind into relaxing thoughts. Meditation has also been practiced, in Asia and elsewhere, for centuries. It’s easy to learn and has multiple benefits. Taking as little as a few minutes per day (though 15-20 is preferable) can go a long way toward relieving stress symptoms.

The focus on any one thing helps move the mind away from the stressor. There is also evidence that, practiced properly, it can have numerous beneficial physical effects as well. Deep breathing exercises can be a terrific first step toward getting stress symptoms under control. And lessening the symptoms is often a good first step toward curing the longer term problem.

Try this: lie face down on the floor on a large towel, elbows bent with your hands flat on the floor. The backs of your hands should be under your chest. Now breath deeply, three or four times.

Dietary supplements can be helpful. The difficulty is that there are so many, and so many that are useless, that recommending specific ones is prone to error. Anything which helps elevate serotonin levels is likely to help. Beware those that promise miracle cures.

Some mild drugs, such as a sleeping aid can be useful on occasion. The risk is becoming dependent on them, not in the narcotic sense but simply as a crutch to avoid dealing with the underlying problem. But as part of a well-rounded program of stress relief they can be very beneficial. A proper sleep is essential to lowering stress.

Several newly popular (and some traditional) techniques have proved helpful for many. Aromatherapy, often combined with ‘mood music’ does actually work in a lot of cases. There’s little scientific evidence that aromatherapy has any sort of deep significance, but memories are often associated with certain smells. It can certainly do no harm.

The old phrase from Congreve: ‘Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast’ still has a place in contemporary society. While the effect shouldn’t be exaggerated, it’s nonetheless true that the right kind of music can help shift mood. Both because of its memory associations with pleasant events and for reasons not well understood, music can alter feelings.

Often a good massage, particularly in conjunction with relaxing music, can be an adjunct to a larger program of stress relief. One of the most common effects of stress is severe muscle tension, particularly in the neck, shoulders and calves. Massage helps solve this physically and it has psychological overtones of doing something good for oneself that contribute to the effect.

In extreme cases, psychotherapy may be called for. The variety of schools and techniques employed make recommending a therapist harder than choosing a good dietary supplement. Trusted friends can often be a good source to turn to in this arena.

Techniques for Curing Stress

No doubt it’s impractical to try to ‘cure’ stress in the sense of eliminating all occurrences. But there are several practical short-term and effective long-term strategies for minimizing it and its effects.

Most individuals under stress will let it build, ignoring it for too long. They cite the need to get a work project completed, or view their situation as unchangeable. “That’s life,” many will say. But no form of ill-effect is inevitable, nor is it necessary or wise to passively accept one. The first step is always to increase awareness in two directions – outward and inward. Be conscious of your internal state and evaluate it as realistically as possible. Be objective about external circumstances.

When you recognize a circumstance as legitimately worrisome, reacting with concern and a degree of stress is normal and healthy. Unreasonable fear and obsession are not. Then, take a moment to breath – literally. One of the most common reactions to stress is tension, usually muscle tension. The neck muscles will stiffen and breathing will often be more shallow. Focus on this, check for it and, if present, consciously loosen up neck muscles with a gentle side to side motion of your head. Take a deep breath or two.

There’s no need to overdo the exercise. You’re not practicing yoga and you don’t want to hyperventilate. Slowly move the head and shoulders and relax the chest muscles. A slow deep breath or two is often enough to break the tension.

But those suggestions are effective primarily for acute stress – the type that is produced by an isolated event and lasts a short time. For chronic stress – that which results from ongoing circumstances and evaluations and persists – additional techniques are needed.

Something as simple and old-fashioned as a walk in the park can be helpful. It’s not simply an old wives tale that fresh air and sunshine can be relaxing. It’s also true that moderate exercise helps relieve many of the accompanying physical symptoms of stress.

Playing music of certain types is helpful. Seeing a comedy on TV or at the movies is beneficial. Laughter is a great mood lifter. A creative activity can be helpful, especially if there is some accompanying physical activity. It could be as simple as making a birdhouse or as advanced as painting or sculpture.

A talk with a sympathetic friend could be useful, but it’s a good idea not to spend too much time talking about the circumstances causing stress or the stress itself. A good airing is beneficial, but too many times it’s an excuse to obsess over the problem. Some people are too much inclined to seek out only those who will reinforce negative evaluations.

Just keep in mind that these are all techniques to help relieve symptoms, they don’t address the underlying causes. As such, they are only one (albeit important) component in curing stress. For that, more in-depth action is needed.

Cutting the Roots of Stress

There are several techniques for coping with stress. A relaxing walk, a distracting creative effort, a good workout and others can help relieve symptoms. But coping is not curing.

To deal effectively with chronic stress – the type that is severe and long-lived – it’s necessary to examine its twin roots. Stress is the result of both external and internal factors – what happens combined with how you evaluate its seriousness and your ability to cope. A lost job, a dissolved marriage, a serious illness or any of hundreds of other circumstances can prompt stress.

But for those to result in stress, especially long-term, an individual has to evaluate them and him or herself in a certain way. A person who feels confident in his or her ability to quickly overcome hurdles (and at a modest ‘cost’) is much less likely to feel stress for long. A person who identifies situations realistically, and who believes they have the capacity to deal with life’s inherent difficulties may feel challenged. But that is normal life and a healthy reaction, it is not stress.

Chronic stress is harmful and very few harmful conditions are ‘natural’ in the sense that they are inevitable, nor are necessarily devastating, or can not be overcome. If life were predominantly disasters we couldn’t cope with, insurance companies wouldn’t make the fortunes they do.

So, to deal with chronic stress well it’s necessary to have an objective view of the actual damage external circumstances entail. Many situations in life result in a loss of values, a loss (temporarily) outside our control. But companies that experience business reverses do recover, injuries heal, relationships mend or form between new partners, new friends are found.

Even losses that are permanent – an amputated leg, the death of a loved one, a bankrupt business – are not equivalent to the loss of life or hope. Individuals can, and do, compensate. Time alone doesn’t heal all wounds, but thought and effort can go a long way toward doing so.

When an individual focuses on what is valuable and possible, acute stress is minimized. When thought and effort combine with a realistic attitude toward the inherent hurdles in life, chronic stress is all but impossible.

It isn’t advisable to have a Pollyanna attitude that ‘everything is always ok, no matter what’. Bad things do happen and realism requires seeing that. But that same realism can be the basis for seeing things in perspective. Things may be, in fact, as bad as they seem. But, they rarely have to stay that way.

Acknowledging what is real and recognizing that it’s possible to create or acquire new values to replace a loss are key to avoiding long term stress. Long term stress, which often accompanies or leads to depression, tends to be self-reinforcing. You feel bad, so things look bad. Things look bad, so you feel worse.

Objectivity and re-committing oneself to the achievement of values is essential for breaking the cycle. But recognize that gaining those values is an achievement, one requiring thought and action. Rarely do they simply arrive in some equivalent of a winning lottery ticket.

Stress and Your Relationships

Whether you have a spouse, a domestic partner or just someone who is the current live-in love of your life, living with someone close can cause stress. Note, the ‘can’ not ‘must’.

Interacting with someone with whom you have that kind of relationship introduces a variety of potential problems, but those don’t have to lead to stress – for either party. Stress results when someone feels caught in a perceived, unresolvable conflict between “I must” and “I can’t”. They feel there is something they have to do, but are blocked from or don’t have the resources to do.

Close relationships, such as those with a spouse or ’significant other’ inevitably bring many such problems. Individuals have unique values and interests, preferred lifestyles and even basic differences in pace or approach.

Some men are very stoic, even when they’re not repressed. Some let the difficulties life presents ‘roll off their back like water off a duck’, others attack them head on. Adjusting to the style of another person and dealing with the dozens of daily choices living together presents – especially when the preferences of one party conflicts with another – can be very difficult.

But stress results most often when one or both of the two parties is unrealistic, unwilling to communicate or compromise, or are even downright unfair.

Sometimes the only solution is to part ways. But long before that happens, if the relationship is valuable, there are several ways to resolve conflicts that avoid chronic stress.

Acute stress is something of a misnomer. It generally refers to a stress that is short-lived, even though the word ‘acute’ can make the event sound severe. But whether minor or major, such episodes are all but inevitable in close relationships.

Health problems, money concerns, conflicts with other family members, disagreements over child-rearing… there’s no end of possibilities.

But acute stress isn’t very harmful. The episode fades or a resolution is found and life returns to normal. When a series of problems occurs, and most importantly when individuals believe they don’t have what it takes to solve them, chronic stress can result.

But the way out, though not easy, is simple. There are, in fact, very rare circumstances that place us in situations that have no resolution. Very few people have no potential resources for resolving them.

No single, concrete event in raising children is all-decisive – with few exceptions. Many couples have worked successfully through times of low income or high debt, and often developed stronger relationships as a result.

Most health problems are temporary. If life were nothing but a series of disasters we couldn’t cope with, insurance companies would go broke.

Reducing stress in relationships can be achieved by a series of techniques almost anyone can adopt. Evaluating problems objectively, looking long-term, reminding oneself and each other of the values that formed the relationship initially can go a long way toward lessening the perceived severity of problems.

That also helps build the awareness that sometimes the resource you need most to solve a problem is looking at you across the dinner table.

 You, Stress, Your Children

Few things in life can lead to chronic stress as readily as parenting. But it need not be so. While raising children definitely requires more patience than any other activity, over a wider range of circumstances and for longer periods of time, it need not be a source of chronic stress. Challenges, yes. Stress, no.

Stress is a mental and physical condition that occurs when there is an unresolvable conflict between “I can’t” and “I must”. Neither of these two components is inevitable in parenting.

There are many circumstances in which a parent will want very much to achieve a particular outcome. That’s the “I must” part. And, there are certainly many situations in which you throw up your hands and say “I can’t”.

But very few goals are so fundamental and so long-term that they should be regarded as overwhelmingly important. If they’re not overwhelmingly important, it isn’t necessary to be overwhelmed when striving for them.

Neither do the two components have to occur together. Sometimes, in fact, it will be true that you can’t achieve a particular goal. Realism is essential in parenting, just as it is in every other aspect of life.

It’s also true that there are truly very few ‘musts’ in parenting. A great many goals are desirable, even worthy. Some are even noble. But very few are mandatory.

Educating children, for example, is difficult and hugely important. But no single school, at any age, is essential to a successful life. There are always options.

Sometimes those require making difficult and unpleasant choices. It may require relocating, looking for alternative schools or even homeschooling.

But those choices need not lead to stress. Taking choices seriously doesn’t have to lead to chronic worry, insomnia, feelings of helplessness or continual irritability – all common signs of stress.

It’s possible to regard a goal as important without concluding that one doesn’t have the resources needed to achieve it. Even when you don’t, you can often acquire or develop them.

Using education as an example again, many parents worry over how to pay for a good college for their son or daughter. But there are more ways to finance that now than there are methods for financing a house. Though, admittedly, the two are becoming about equal in cost!

Few parenting dilemmas are as potentially stress-inducing as a child who simply will not listen, particularly when their behavior is unruly or even violent. Here, too, there are rarely any quick fixes.

But, as with any thorny problem, an attitude of confidence in one’s ability to find answers, and a view to the long-term, will go a long way toward minimizing stress.

When the resources for solving that issue aren’t immediately at hand, a confident parent will look for them wherever they can be found – friends, grandparents, counselors, Internet sites. You’ll find others have tackled the same problem.

Stress need only come into the equation when you come to believe that there is simply ‘no way’ to solve a problem you ‘must’ solve.

Tossing away both those false alternatives leaves you still with a problem, but not that which only adds to the burden – stress.

Stress During the Teen Years

Contemporary society presents many circumstances that can encourage stress for teens. One of the chief potential stressors is often found right at home: parents.

That’s not to say parents cause teen stress. Even teens are self-responsible individuals, within the realm of actions open to them. And that’s the key to some of the sources of teen stress. They are sometimes given too much freedom, in other areas too little.

Setting a developing person adrift among the variety of choices available in modern, complex society is a near guarantee for stress. That reaction is fundamentally the result of a perceived, unresolvable conflict between “I must” and “I can’t”. In many cases, it is indeed true that the teen can’t.

No one could reasonably expect a fourteen year-old to know how to negotiate the maze of challenges the modern world offers without good guidance. Few are equipped by parents or nature to do so at that age.

One isn’t born knowing how, for example, to earn money, raise babies and deal with adult life – and that knowledge is rarely attained by age fourteen.

But it’s also true that teens are not children. They are very self-aware, have complex systems of values and have some knowledge of the world. They have the ability to begin to exercise their powers independently. When that independence is stifled, opportunities to test guesses and solve problems is stunted.

The results of both these false alternatives – independence in the sense of being totally abandoned to one’s own devices, and lack of independence in not being allowed to make choices and deal with the consequences – will inevitably result in stress.

The former leaves the teen in the position of having to solve problems they simply aren’t ready to solve. The latter makes it extremely difficult for them to gain or expand their ability to solve them.

Teens will often implicitly recognize this when they complain to parents ‘You never let me have my way’, or, “I’m old enough to make my own decisions”.

Some parents react dogmatically by declaring that they will make those decisions, others err on the other side by simply throwing off all restraint and allowing the teen to ’sink or swim’.

Knowing when to do one, when to do the other is every parent’s challenge. But the teen can help themselves and the parents out of this dilemma – and in the process save themselves much needless stress.

Just as they are not children, teens are not adults. But they can improve their situation by demonstrating the first and emulating the second. Paradoxically, voluntarily reaching for responsibility is one very effective way to minimize stress before it builds.

Though responsibility can lead to stress – if met with resentment or fear rather than confidence and persistence – it can also help build those skills needed to head off stress before it grows. When the responsibilities are those the teen is actually, with effort, able to handle the result is confidence building.

The surest way to decrease the stress that comes from fear of failure or of dealing with stubborn parents is to successfully tackle the challenges of school, home responsibilities and other hurdles. Sometimes that will require starting over after initial failure.

Teens will learn practical knowledge from undertaking the challenge and build psychological strength from making the attempt.